|
[20 Jul 2007|08:27pm] |
a little lost here
am almost willing to actually trust someone enough to talk to them, just so that I may spill the memories and events that have taken place so that they may understand and advice me in my "problems"
lend me your compass, map and looking glass.
I will show us the way
|
|
| I wonder |
[05 Jun 2006|12:14am] |
| You Are a Dreaming Soul | 
Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult
You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul |
|
|
| There is always some reason to feel not good in life |
[04 Jun 2006|10:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
I am in a happily lost place right now.
but I still feel as though I need a distraction.
So much is happening around any given person at any given time. anddd... I wish I knew a way to make it all stop spinning. or to dissolve from existence. as though existence was one floor to a skyscraper and I could phase through it to the floor[existence] beneath the one I am already occupying.
no no no. none of that makes sense, I am sure. I guess all I am saying is that over this last weekend I've discovered I'm lost [in time and space] and I'm happy anyways. For the moment. and it fluctuates, you know. and then everything else fluctuates too. and and and... um.. damn it, you know. just. damn it.
Where are the words I am looking for?
I am looking for some passion.
some reason.
some purpose.
for the why.
for myself.
some thing to look forward to.
I wish I was more hopeful than I am.
I wish I had a reason to be.
[I am not depressed, I am just saying...]
that I am not sure what is going on.
|
|
| FUCK dehumanization |
[18 May 2006|02:43pm] |
headless. beginning to be. Its odd that someone else checking their livejournal can inspire me to update mine.
Not headless, just wishing everyone else was. So fucking irritable today. I wish someone would just give me a reason to be angry at them, anyone, I would tear their fucking face off.
AH.
I was teased. lied, said I was having a good day, and then teased "I chased a butterfly today".
the day will end hopefully soon. um. hoping for anger.
|
|
| So I guess I feel like saying something |
[16 May 2006|06:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 alittle pissed off |
] |
sticky hot day :\ uck.
was at work for maybe an hour? and was sent home. I rather enjoyed that alot.
It's really sad to say, and I hate that I cannot help it, but I am losing respect for a couple of my friends. I do not appreciate how they are treating others, and I am alittle disappointed that my friendship is ignored and discarded so easily. as though my trust and the confidence I hold was nothing, it has been bothering me quite a bit lately. uck.
Bad trip the other day. :\ Not good.
Pointless boyfriend. I think our brief kisses are all that I like at the moment (considering that is all there seems to be to our "relationship", it is certainly a good thing) ... no real conversations, no time together, not even any pointless phone conversations (I actually discourage those...) and you know what? no sex either. ? what the fuck. I am trying to be patient, maybe see if those things will change and such. I dont know though. eh. fuck. POINTLESS. ah well. either it will get better or stay the same, not likely to get worse (not completely bad) lalala I hate complaining but it's making me feel alittle better. and I do like him atleast.
burger king commercial took the "I am woman hear me roar in volumes to big to ignore" ... and turned into into something about I am man I eat big burgers? I really don't remember what was said. just remember it was entirely way too fucking stupid.
|
|
| Mark it |
[01 Apr 2006|09:03pm] |
Update. I never update anyone on what is going on in my life. or even call them to find out what is going on in their's. :\ Sorry.
things are okay. :)
and I hope other things are okay too. :)
Not sure what I want out of life. I do not think I want anything out of it.
I would like to go out to eat by myself though. I think that would be an interesting experience, I do not even think I would mind the looks people would give me (people eating alone always get weird/pitying looks).
And what i imagine from the future. is me alone. but not alone in a "everyone has abandoned me" sort of way, more like friends and loved ones are there. but it is still me. and maybe I will have a lover. I am pretty sure I will have problems with serious relationships. but if I meet a relaxed easy going hippie man. it could work. does not even have to be those things. aside from relaxed. preferably not conservative... I find that would be highly unlikely to work out. no more dating for me. that does not work out so well, nooo, connections?
dammmn. I think I like what the future will be. it will be good. hopefully.
oddly upbeat about it.
usually that's not a positive sentiment. but right now I feel hopeful. not even hopeful. just . at peace.
loves. not even love. just. accepting. I do not feel love. I feel. happy.
|
|
| I enjoyed today |
[09 Mar 2006|12:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 flirty |
] |
First a poem, and then I'll tell you of my day :)
Between the sound and I are invisible ties
Manifested before me, a body of thought and perfect pitch
Radiating from it are deceiving vibes
My ears and skin feel it completely, not wanting to be rid of it
Every hit sends a note into the air, the effect immediate
Making knees quiver and muscles relax
My hollow skin echoes it, serving as a living amp
The intensity is paralyzing, basic functions no longer comply
Uncontrollable reactions are all I am left with
My own lips cannot produce any sound, a final request automatically denied
Limbs curl, a soothing melody turns into the song of an imp
Fetal, angry, helpless, the body tenses until stiff
Knowing my skin will be stretched into something compact
Treated and tough, a small drum to be hit
That dying moment an absurd mishap
My body lies there, still echoing, listening to your foot tap
Okay lovey. sooo. I enjoyed today. alot. spent time with the boy.
annnnnd, drove around albany looking for graffiti/a place to make our own, for photos sake.
and well. I don't even want to explain all the things that made today good. soooo. just know... that it was :) kk. :)
|
|
| Genuinely happy |
[20 Feb 2006|01:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
For What It's Worth - Buffalo Springfield |
] |
I got home maybe 2 hours ago. and I'm still happy?
I guess today was just a good day.
seeing a certain male may have helped too,
I rather like rhory. quite a bit. yes. :D
|
|
| Poems I've written that I actually like... |
[26 Jan 2006|05:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
January 12, 2006
Half a View
My cunt, wet with estrogen
fluids of red life dripping along my leg
This constant reminder of the nature
of who I am and of what I was made
Looking at the women around me
to wonder if they feel a difference too
A decade ago is even considered conservative
it is difficult still to be taken seriously at times
And this day it does not seem to matter
Bitch, Cunt, Twat, Whore... with that inspiration in mind
Simply words without context
describing myself and the women I respect
Vulgar, forward and unfrightened
mixed up in a world, our purpose worn on out chests
Not a declaration of any sorts
merely a symbol, a statement of who we are
It is easy to create life
increasingly just as easy to be its destroyer
No regret would be laced into my thoughts
left alone to run their usual paths of inquiry, and curiosity
Barefoot and heavy, in an apron cooking...
definitely not. heels, boots upon pavement
Raised above our destined heights
modern, a word meant to appease, to cover what is current
True to mother nature, nurturing
our bodies and minds grow and expand in power
Heated blood in our veins and womb
patient or impatient, fast or slow, our hearts do not cower
Something thought to have had for a century
is only now being seized as the sensitive responces are disappearing
I want you to know, an unknown potential
that shows in our eyes, at the level a foot above what others are seeing
Know that I am a cunt armed with understanding
my breasts point to the guilty and judging
My bleeding twat already knows the truth
maybe it is time you do too, and drop the label of feminity
January 2, 2006
Pity Party
Dull concentration, forced into
the faces of each seated soul
This intellectual poison they will not dilude
Not even for the sake of mercy
It may only be the environment
And yet, I cannot pass the blame to anyone but me
Weakened by temptations, it is bent
twisted, an unbearable passing, I am scared
Frightened by my lack of conviction
I have been hoping for the courage to care
Decisions are easy to make, these resolutions
It'll all be okay... I don't even want to reassure myself
Once hope is lifted back up
The disappointment will bring it down without help
Self Sabotager, habits so complete and developed
Unchanged, my husk of skin is sadly still in good shape
Second Guess
Counting against what you are trying
to say
Becomes tiresome
Forward and backwards, the number of
reasons I choose
not to listen
The conceptual understanding I have for why
your lifestyle is
different
from mine
A distinction between the two I wish to
keep constant
Not for spite, there is no dislike, Simply
my choices and habits make sense
Life, living is not memorizing
a pattern or function
Fear will NOT drive me
into a
meaningless routine
I am not trying to say you are
a drone
Only that
Maybe you do
not know enough to dictate others.
Adverse Fate
A first of many
To discern of ideals formed by the blind
Ribbon and tie, paired to each answer
for that bow did not tie itself
Where the doubt began
Is a beginning for all of us
A turning point from hopeful and trusting
To a new outlook
That point of anticlimax
When life should be reaching it's summit
All that is reached was the dark core in every mind
Hopes and dreams do not even begin to compare
For something that lasts so long
Life doesn't give you many prospects for a happy ending
Either six feet below or ashes on the wind
A place where we find ourselves
December 14, 2005
Allow a Fetish Some Daylight
Putting it in to avoid the negativity
But really there's no way around it.
And I think the blood dripping
from my nose... is just like that
White tissue shoved into the nostril, stained
red from the mositure inside
If a knife was to be stabbed into
an eye, there would be some pressure
When pulling it back out, it may get stuck
on fragments of white skull
The blade's stainless steel surface, decorated by bits of bone
covered by red fluid and pink organs, blood and brain
A billboard spells out inspiration to you
yet it's tainted forever by a priests hand that placed it there
Marked, incapable of breaking free, you need
more force to push it away
The Red light takes physical form, falling away from the mind
left bare and pale
To get to that place of bliss, ignorance
they'll want you to repress the things already done
Well fuck that, allow your regrets to burn through
the rants of holy marys, destroying those blessed lies
Break away from the repentance, do not be ashamed
of your blood or mine, break the innocence.
Unstructured, Free
A point to Stand in the middle of
the street
Pointing to a person, each unique responce
is a function of action, A reaction
Understand the relationship this function has
with the person Standing in the streets
Refusing to Stand with them facing that
corner support for a pole
Flipping the flages upside down in the town, with them
send a message, message pigeons
All around the town there's a
rumor of Anarchists
What we have been "granted" to have
by a Man's written word, we've always
had
Choosing to do anything rather than
nothing, with so many possibilities
you'll want to choose all of them and more
Yes... there's personal considerations for
each person choosing
An arsonist dearly loves his flame
A burning building's light
This dream of doing what you
love is all the more true
To know our only limit
is the Time
Seizing it before it runs out, just
enough to use for a lifetime
I'll do as I want
forget your wish for freedom, you don't need it, you have it.
November 16, 2005
Unclear, A Cunt Unlike Any Other
Drained, not vulnerable, but pained
The thick cover sits in place over the wound, to fool you, keep the truth from you
Do I bleed from this wound?
Not even a bit. Impalable and irate, how divine, this place I hide in
Hidden in here, had I ran? Veiled, I didn't
Had my sex been stronger, higher expectations, less meek... not thought of as so fucking weak
Not without reasons and lies, to keep you from catching on
Protecting myself from sympathy, pity, of you knowing my nature, my inner creature
Myself, anxious, obviously shy
Who would want something broken, to keep, like some stupid sentimental token
It hits the mark, crushing the mask it's in
Made something of a failure out of me, that tender little spot, life shrivelled my heart
I, of the insecure and sad, upon dying
Leave my secrets to you, to conceive what you will of this inner turmoil you never knew
November 14, 2005
Goldfish
Seeing what is there
is hardly an actuality, no more than a thoughts image
Thinking it's really solid?
something to feel, the smoothed distinct surface
Molding under a touch
still smooth and yet alive, energy warms the hand upon it
Elaborating the delusion
give it a foundation, to build on as it grows and expands
Dwelling into depths
the mind loses it's crediblity with each false image
Blinking with pure innocence
to think it's only madness, but those looks they give...
Staring without embarrassment
so bold they are, how presumptious, how dare they
Limiting creativity
of the utmost distaste, lets just drop the pill in and flush it
September 19, 2005
Swelling, Hard to Burst
Fear of living, of opening your mouth and speaking
day after day lived without change
Standing in place, unmoved with nothing but a face
pleasance is the mask that covers it
But under beneath, is an anxious hope for room to breathe
that perhaps the pressure may loosen it's grip
Release from a lock, free to yell, whisper; to talk
friendly is the dreams of things to come
Days done with lying, no longer thinking of hiding
social they may have been, too many
Which opinions matter, who do you talk with and chatter
the concern of one for the thoughts of others
Perhaps something more, a friendly smile no longer ignored
initiated; began, something opened up
What will become of the future of this someone
Barely there, barely seen and unheard
July 19, 2005
Careful in Love, Carefree in Life
Carefree
Tripped, new holes torn into the tights
It was just a fall
just a scrape
Interest
Seen, his eyes covered over by lightly colored hair
Oh he was just a boy
just another fool
Bashful
Warmed, her cheeks flushed in the cool air
She needed him to notice
to notice her
Achieve
Winked, the gesture to attract his attention
His head turned as he walked
turned to see
Passion
Hooked, she didn't need to do much else
Nature to care for the rest
careless of careful
unNatural Cruelty
Waiting to crash.
After so long of being held up.
The support system doesn't work as well as it should
when it's lacking support.
Left standing alone,
on weakened limbs and a weakened soul.
Even a soft wind blowing through for mere moments,
causes dangerous swaying.
Can't even dream.
So broken, sleep is even a loss.
It's a miracle that life still exists here at all,
but maybe that's just a mistake.
May 2, 2005
Recording Reality
Confidence crushed,
unwanted.
Duly noticed or ignored.
They look and keep walking,
insignificant.
Unknown to the masses.
Being taught to capture life,
hiding.
The camera is a shelter.
Watching them go by,
waiting.
Let the camera take control.
Snaps are taken,
ecstatic.
Trapped into a frame.
Thumbnails of reality seen,
frozen.
Still beyond mainstream comprehension.
April 5, 2005
Bodily Function
Hand driven by need.
Reaching down to
the source of the heat,
it's center moist and smooth.
Hand driven by need.
Strokes coming up
and down with great speed.
Driven by need,
his shaft enters her moist heat.
Fucking needy.
|
|
| Caffeinated Writing |
[19 Jul 2005|07:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relaxed |
] |
So I was up until about 6 last night... drinking energy drinks and such, indulging in caffeine. And I wrote afew poems while I was devastatingly bored out of my mind because no one was online. it sucked quite a bit. The poems aren't too great either.. well there's one or two that I like quite abit but, yeah. anyways.
..:xxX_Debating Contract Terms With Satan_Xxx:..
When left in a hopeless situation
Even the darkest path is seen as an opportunity
Something different, an escape from an unwelcome reality.
There's no point to that
Life requires chances to be taken in love and pain
Tricking fate, using a loop hole to make a try for some happiness.
Hopeless in new surroundings
Even a chance taken may fail horribly
And so it did, she was left at the same point as before.
Attempt after attempt
Progress was no where to be seen
She made a choice, it was the only way she could end it all.
A means to an end
Didn't have to be too sharp
Needed to end her pain, just sharp enough to break skin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
XXx::._Careful in Love, Carefree in Life_.::xXX
Carefree
Tripped, new holes are torn into the tights
It was just a fall
just a scrape
Interest
Seen, his eyes mysteriously covered with light hair
Oh he was just a boy
just another fool
Bashful
Warmed, her cheeks flush in the cool air
She needed him to notice
to notice her
Achieve
Winked, the gesture to attract his attention
His head turned as he walked
peering eyes
Passion
Hooked, she didn't need to do much else
Nature to care for the rest
Careless of careful
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
..:xxX_Pity Sex_Xxx:..
Sex
A sweet distraction from life's natural static
Yet it's not even noticed as such
When she hikes her skirt up
Just so he can see her thigh high nylons
Complete with runs and holes
Bone it
As if the nylons are what he sees
Dominating his Johnson land without even taking off her panties
Oh the friction
He had been so limp and lonely
Before she came along
Pity
Felt before and after the bonking
She seemed so interested in his junk
Package and all
Gave him something of a perk
Just to get him through another wasting day
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
XXx::._unNatural Cruelty_.::xXX
Waiting to crash.
After so long of being held up.
The support system doesn't work as well as it should
when it's lacking support.
Left standing alone,
on weakened limbs and a weakened soul.
Even a soft wind blowing through, however momentary,
causes dangerous swaying.
Can't even dream.
So broken, sleep is even a loss.
It's a miracle that life still exists here in the least bit,
but maybe that's just a mistake.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
..:xxX_Self-Defacing Portrait_Xxx:..
There's always something the world doesn't see,
doesn't want to see.
And so then there's me.
Repressing who I am so that they won't know me.
Even to this day... to this very moment,
I have shut it all down.
A childish passion for life,
sometimes ridiculed for it's simplicity.
Hidden in myself.
Scared of the pain and frustration others will cause.
Liberal through and through.
Yet it's hard for me to even state my opinions.
To make a statement of pro-abortion,
and that sex should be more honest.
So much there is, feelings held in by my own
fear of rejection.
my oppression comes from the world around me,
but it's me that represses my instincts; my true self.
|
|
| Delivery boy |
[01 Jun 2005|11:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
So one day there was a boy walking down the street. He was all struttin his stuff and shit, pretending to be the bad ass he's not, and he fell... thinking that this was hilarious everyone around him laughed.
Tada, impromptu bullshit straight from my fingers to your eyes. Yeah.
That's the way it goes though, eh?
Yesterday I was angry. I love Pump up the Volume, it's a freaking awesome movie, I love the little wind-up penis that jumps. Those are neat, I have a wind-up monkey that does flips.... it'd be cool if the penis did flips to rather than just jumping around and shit. Happy Harry Hardon... my hero.
Watch the movie, Christian Slater is kickass. His character is shy like me, so it's especially appealing. I would write a better review of the movie than this but... that would take more time than I have right now.
|
|
| My heart is just a muscle, and to simply put it, it's sore |
[31 May 2005|05:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ani Difranco - Rain Check |
] |
Today I started writing a story about a prostitute named Franky.... I think I might change her name to Billy... I like the idea of a prostitute with a boy name, there's something to it that just fits... After I get more of it written then I might post some of it on here, I don't know it'll have to depend on how good I think it is, although I'll probably post it even if it sounds like shit...
Sad :( sad sad me... I miss my Matt... I haven't seen him in 2 years so it's alittle silly but when we got his graduation letter today I got all nostalgic and sad. And now I miss him, and wish he was here. I love him. always will. first loves are like that you know. still makes me sad to think about it though. I think I might write him a letter... I don't know, I think I might wait until his birthday to write one. Not that he'll write back or anything :( sad sad sad. *sigh* oh well. it's too late and too fucked to fix, and he's too fucking far away, fucking alaska.
Maybe one day.......
But until then ;) I'll see what else is out there.
|
|
| No, You Can't Smoke My Damn Socks |
[20 May 2005|10:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stoned |
] |
When told of what falsities lie ahead, we knew the truth could no longer be trusted.
Looking out at the darkening faces, one would have to be daft not to see the anger and hate in their eyes.
No, that is weird, you were right the first time. No context.
I'm my own friend, or friend that hits on me, or friend that beats me.
I miss my insanity, I can't believe one moved to corvallis and the next is moving to springfield, and another is moving to florida and then another is graduating. They're all leaving me, and even though the male is still going to be here, every time I see him I'll want to laugh cause then I'll remember that he grabbed Frankendyke's tit.
My skirt was falling down, so I made it tighter.
I want to shave the rest of my head.
|
|
| Certain things smell good |
[15 May 2005|01:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kings of Leon - Spiral Staircase |
] |
But some things don't smell so good. like whorish females, you know... the kind that molests every male within arms length, it makes you wonder if her vagina's been used that many times by that many different people would that effect its smell? I think maybe, there's definitely a higher risk of getting something that could make it smell funny... guys can be carriers without knowing it. and then whenever they have sex with other females they're giving it to them too.
Okay enough of that, I dont even like vaginas, especially dirty smelly hairy ones.. gross.. so anyways.
I like to pretend I don't have any emotions. Except I do which is why I'm taking prozac so that I feel less depressed and less anxious. but yeah, jealously, and even possesiveness those are things I don't have even though I kind of do, lets not talk about it. I felt depressed for the first time in like 2 months. it's weird to think to how I felt before I started taking my meds, that I felt depressed almost all the time, I'm not used to having those emotions anymore. They're harder to ignore now.... oh well. It doesn't matter, I'm happy most of the time anyways. it was just weird is all.
I want a piercing, I haven't felt something jab through my skin since like february ;)
Damn slutty people. You'd think that in this day and age females would have more respect from themselves. I'm sorry, but the whorish female from the other day really bothered me. I love the whole idea about freelove, it's beautiful. Except she was just way to fucking needy. I think it disgusts me that someone openly needs a male like that. You gotta stay in control of something, even if it is just yourself. If you give control over to someone else like a male, then it's like hey yeah I'm weaker than you. Some people might see this as some sort of romantic bullshit, That they care for and trust the person that much that they're the only one they need, and that they'll never hurt them... It's disgusting. I don't know why I feel that way but I do. Sex and stuff should be fucking mutual and equal dammit. Unless you're actually turned on to be the submissive one but hell if you are like that than it's just sex, and it shouldn't be done in a bowling alley. Damn slutty people, close your fucking legs in public and stop rubbing his fucking leg.
|
|
| Oh my what a day |
[11 May 2005|07:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ecstatic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage |
] |
So today today today... interesting, this morning we went to go take part in some recreational brain damage at my friends house, and there was a 15 year old girl sitting in his dads 40 year old lap.... it was rather disturbing. Even though I am 16, his dad refers to me as the "sexy little 9 year old"... his father is a true creep. no creep is too harsh. he's just creepy, and a pervert. I finally got stoned after school some time later, my friends came and picked me up and we drove somewhere, and smoked, and talked. it was wonderful. I'm still feeling pleasantly high. I want to go play my guitar and sing,
but first...........
I shall leave you some
departing words............
Master baker,
won't you come teach me the trade?
Teach me to be the maker.
To make panties go ping
before ever being paid.
Master nibbler,
won't you nibble my core?
Sending everything into a quiver.
Torment drawn on longer
being left a whore.
Master fucker,
won't you slam my world?
Slam it like a soul sucker.
Sucking to light a passion
making my body curl.
Master rocker,
won't you scream at my life?
Scream like you're a shocker.
Shocking all those who hear you
believing there's always strife.
Master death,
won't you be my final moments?
End my life with a blow to the chest.
Blowing the life from me
no words to be my last comments.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
fondlingthyself's journal